The full transcript of Dame Edna’s address to a huge gathering in the town square, as part of her flying visit to Chipping Norton:
Oh purple possums of Flipping Norton, it’s been a pleasure and a privilege to visit your cheeky little town in the Cotswold mountains!
When I heard you were shortlisted to win Market Town of the Year in the Great British High Street Awards, I knew I had to drop in. In fact, it was that elder statesman of Oz – Mr Barry Humphries himself – who said to me: “Edna? Do your duty. The home country needs you. Think of all those home countrymen just itching to grasp your gladioli.
I was rather banking on getting the Top Gear job when naughty Mr Jeremy Clarkson got the boot. But I’m a simple soul at heart. I’m far more at home taking tea with the Whipping Norton locals than I am chasing foxes in a pair of sequinned jodhpurs which never seem to match my twinset.
I’ve heard you all get rather cross when the papers say you’re posh with lots of money. I know you’re actually regular folk like me, just without the Mega Awesomeness. You see, possums, I haven’t always been a Dame. I started as a lowly housewife in Moonee Ponds. I loved nothing better than popping down the pub for a quickie with Norm. There is much to be said for the simple life, my darlings, and flat beer. The trouble with Champagne is all those bubbles frizzing up your wig.
If you’re wondering how I maintain my supreme level of superstardom in the hair department, by the way – and I’m sure you are – it all revolves around mauve tint, jumbo rollers and superglue. Only Mr Humphries knows the exact recipe, and he is sworn to secrecy.
You’ve got a terrific sense of style in Gripping Norton, dears. I love the way you’ve arranged those big stones just outside town. Your chimney makes me quite limp. And Jim at The Chequers let me have a play with his spectacular beer pump, which was far easier to manoeuvre than I thought.
I’ve had an absolutely marvellous time in Skipping Norton. Even though Jeremy Clarkson wouldn’t let me stroke his Silver Shadow, David Cameron allowed me a good old rummage around in his constituency. What more could a girl ask for?
Possums of Shipping Norton, I haven’t come all this way without a purpose. Of course I haven’t! You know I won’t sleep tonight if you don’t promise me – every last one of you – to vote for this GORGEOUS little hamlet in this marvellous competition. I hope you all live happily ever after. Including the foxes.”
We hope you have enjoyed our mock Dame Edna visit, which is a figment of our editorial team’s fervent imagination to promote Chipping Norton’s creative #GBHighSt campaign. Voting is easy, visit Chippy2Win and vote every day with every email address until the polls close on November 13.
All images Photoshopped by ECN volunteers. Thank you to the following websites for use of Dame Edna images: